We stop judging people and start relating to them instead. We recognize, first and foremost, that we’re not in a relationship to focus on how well the other person is learning their lessons, but rather to focus on learning our own.The ego defends against love, not fear. Pain in relationships can be perversely comfortable pain, in that is one we know. We’re used to it. I once heard a tape by Ram Dass, an American spiritual teacher, in which he told of seeing a newspaper article about an abused baby being taken away from his mother. As a police matron tried to take the baby, he kept struggling to remain in his mother’s arms. Although his mother was the one who beat him, she was the one he knew. He was used to her. He wanted to remain in familiar territory.This story illustrates our relationship to our own egos. The ego is our pain, but it is what we know, and we resist moving out of it. The effort it takes to grow out of painful patterns often feels more uncomfortable than remaining. It was Scooter who asked the question that she and her two friends had frequently giggled about over the last six weeks. "So, Nicole, how long did he leave the handcuffs on you?" Oh, God," she sighed. "Did I ever put my foot in it on that one! I decided I wasn't going to ask Randy to take them off, just to see how long he'd leave them on me." It turned out that we were sort of working at cross purposes," Randy said. "I'd decided that I was going to leave them on her until she asked me to take them off. I was curious how long it would take her to ask." I wish I'd known that," Nicole shook her head. "I didn't find that out till later. Anyway, the day after we saw you out at the Inn, school started back up. When we got up that morning, I was still wearing the handcuffs and I had to go teach. I couldn't believe Randy was going to send me to work in handcuffs. But, I got dressed up and ready to go with his help, and then he said, 'Hey, you better get moving, you're going to be late.'" I.
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